Dearest Pau,

What your mum may or may not have understood is that I have duel responsibilities to on two sides of the Ocean.

When your mum sent me away it put my mums health over the edge to see me in such a state, as she always wanted me to be happy and worked so hard to help me see my dreams.

She knew I loved you and mum and wanted to be in a real family with both of you more than anything in the world.

It devistated me and it devistated my mum. I tried to explain there was no one I would rather share my resources with than your mum, but if she sends me away and blocks me then my resources will be spent elsewhere.

People do the same things in America, as they do in Austria and people love their children and families just as much. It was too much of an exhausting burden on me for your mum to expect me to fly back and forth across the Atlantic. I think she had no idea how exhausting a trip it was for me at that age.

If you and mum lived in the states, I could easily drive to you and we could do family functions together and I could come and go, so as not to be a burden to your mum or stress her out or whatever. I cannot be blamed for where I come from.

Your mum was so sweet and I can always hear her tired voice and sleepy expressions and she made my heart blutter inside. So many things about your mum were so wonderful in my eyes and in my heart. I never felt so wonderful in all my life, as when I was with your mother. There was so much I wanted to build with her.

All of her love was administrative though. Grandmother hafner played a huge role as well. No one ever allowed enough time for me to build any foundation or get to know who I am though.

Your mums questions were not about me as a person, per se, but material, such as how much money do you have in bank acct. and what kind of car do you drive? She never seemed to care about my plans for your education for instance. The only problem I ever had with your mum was my role in who you became. She just did not seem to grasp this concept at all. I am sure there are father's in Austria that help in the decision making of the children.

The only decision I was ever granted was your middle name and even then your mum mocked it and said no one could pronounce it in German. I think your mum never understood that I was not from there or that you were biologically half mine or a part of me too.

Your mum was always going to see you as just hers and maybe she was threatned because I was from another country, but I always wanted you in Europe.

Families are really funny when it comes to children.

At any rate, I dont write any of this to put the blame anywhere or to escape any responsibilities, just to present my side of the story. You are way too young right now to worry about any of this.

I did not walk out on your mum or abandon you. You and mum are both very dear and special in my heart. I would have done anything to be there for you and to and raise you with mum. It was my only real dream in life.

I wish your mum and I had been able to spend more time together prior to your birth. There is just never enough time though. I did not want to give you gifts in the mail, I wanted to give you the gift of a lifelong father. I wanted to devote my life and energies to you and your life.

I thought and wanted you to be a miracle for both your mum and me. God gave you to both of us. I wanted more than anything in the world to be your father and to grow old with your mum. There are no words to ever express my feelings, my hurt and my pain and suffering. I have so much love for your mum, but she only seems to have hate towards me. The most hurtful thing, is she cannot even explain why or offer a compromise.

I know a big part of it is your grandmother and her fear of some "strange" man caring for her grandchild, but you are my daughter too and I would not have been so strange if they had gotten to know me a little and offered some trust.

I miss you so much.


Love always,

Pops